There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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