Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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