I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
