I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
