6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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