oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
