i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
