Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
