So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
