oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
