There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
