i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
