I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
