OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize