New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
