you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
