I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
