Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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