Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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