I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
