I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
