so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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