There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
