I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
