Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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