a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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