the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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