Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
