he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
