Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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