In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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