pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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