I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
