there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
