the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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