i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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