my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize