I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
