My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
