I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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