i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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