im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
