a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize