wat bout pragnant strippers??
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
