My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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