drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
