I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
