I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
