dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
