i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
