You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
