this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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