Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
