she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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