I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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