i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
