I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
